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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 40. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 9:39:42
I can hardly type, I am finding it hard to think, the only thing I feel is pain, and I want it to end. It has been hard lately worse, I have been feeling sick, getting dizzy passing out, vomiting, my hands are shaking now, I can barley even see though the tears. I am about to lose my job, and I am more than entertaining the thought of taking the "easy" way out without even realizing it, I am relish in the though of suicide. I am 37 years old, divorced 2 years, three children, I just moved to south Florida, and I am having the most horrible time with what I think may be a severe depression, or anxiety. I do not know if I have experienced depression before, or manic episodes. I can’t sleep, do want to eat, I drink all of the time, I am having violent mood swing, I got angry with my now ex-girlfriend for not making a right turn. I work excessively to try and forget about my life, but it is so lonely, I have gotten pets but they do not help, I do not even want to take care of them. I am plagued with nightmares, and insomnia, I can only get a few hours sleep before I wake up shacking, vomiting. I do not and will not go to a hospital or clinic, I do not want to be locked away that would send me over for sure. I was picked up over one year ago, but they released me on my own. It was right after I was served for my divorce. I am very afraid that I am going to lose it soon; I need help. Please, if anyone knows of somewhere that I can turn to, I live in Ft. Lauderdale, and I really do want to get better.
Posted by karen_kay on July 10, 2004, at 15:22:44
In reply to Hello, and help, posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 9:39:42
welcome. you may know, but since this is the newbie board, there are only limited people who can post here... i'm sorry to say this, but i don't know how to 'switch' your post to the social board.. i'm very very sorry. there are many, many many!!! people on the social board who are amazing, insightful, supportive and very, very helpful. i'll try everything i can to post this over there as well dear, as they will be able to help too. and i'll do everything i can to help you as well!!!
also, i want to welcome you to babble. i've found it to be instrumental in helping me in my ongoing healing process. i hope you find it the same. please feel free to jump in anywhere that you find the need.
now, about your situation: i'm very sorry you are in pain right now. do you have a psychiatrist that you are currently seeing? or, have you seenone in the past? i know that when it was first suggested to me, i was angry, scared, annoyed, upset, aggitated, all of those feelings and more. it took a few months for me to finally realize that i desperately needed to do something to turn my life around. and, when my regular doctor suggested i see one, i finally gave in. what a difference it made in my life. is that an option for you? of course it is... make it one dear! if it seems like it's not, make it one.... if you can't afford one, find one that will work on payments, find one that will work with you. make it happen. don't give up. you are MUCH too important than that! you must do soemthing and now is the time to do it!!!!
don't thikn about suicide right now, think about how greatyour life can and WILL be and hold onto that!!!!!!! thik aobut your children!!!! think about how beautiful it is outside!!!! think about how beautiful the beaches are in florida!!!!! think about the wonderful person you are destined to meet one day and how lovely your life will be if you just hold on!!!!! think about those lovely thoughts and hold on!!!!!
get yourself some help dear!!!! with the right mind-set, anything is possible! you can count on that! try to hold on to tomorrow.
Posted by karen_kay on July 10, 2004, at 15:29:54
In reply to hello and help is on the way, posted by karen_kay on July 10, 2004, at 15:22:44
hey dear, i've posted a link to this thread on social (not sure if i was supposed to or not but i wanted to be sure you could get more responses).. here's the link... (kinda like a big spider web, isn't it?)
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040706/msgs/364779.html
so, respond there... on the social board.. those people are great, you know it?
i hope you find the answers you need and are looking for dear.... take care and hold on. tomorrow is another day!!!! and i'm thinking about you!
i'm sure they'll give you many great suggestions..
Posted by partlycloudy on July 10, 2004, at 17:00:23
In reply to Hello, and help, posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 9:39:42
You are having a really bad time right now. it's an excellent sign that you've turned to this site for some information and advice. I'm in Florida too (though Central Coast), and when I was finally ready for help I just looked up on the American Psychiatric Association website for someone in my area. That lead to medication and a recommendation for therapy. No clinics or hospitals; although if you are seriously considering taking your own life, you must call 911 NOW!
I have been fired from so many jobs. I was divorced after 18 years of marriage (no kids), made some very bad judgements in relationships and finally admitted to myself that my problems could no longer be drowned in a bottle or shoved under my hat. If you think you are ready for help, it's there. If you're a danger to yourself or others you must take the first step of accepting help.
I'm going to look for resources in Ft. Lauderdale. If money is a consideration, many providers are willing to have a "sliding scale" for those in financial straights.
Please hang in there, my friend.
pc
Posted by partlycloudy on July 10, 2004, at 17:08:16
In reply to Re: Hello, and help » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 10, 2004, at 17:00:23
This sounds like it might be suitable:
http://www.getmentalhelp.com/treatmentctr/centerinfo.php?ctrID=13307
Please let us know how you are doing. You have a lot of people right here willing to listen to you.
Posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 23:15:05
In reply to Hello, and help, posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 9:39:42
I want to thank all of you for your words and advice, it is hard right now, I am really trying, but I am afraid, I do not know where to go, for the first time in my life I am lost. I read your replies and could not stop the tears, I feel that there is no hope no future and nothing will help. Matters got worse after I posted, I was sued again today by my ex wife, she wants more of what I do not have. Will it, can it end?
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 6:59:20
In reply to Re: Hello, and help, posted by cakins on July 10, 2004, at 23:15:05
You know, it really can end - if you can ask for help. Do you have any friend you can call? Do you think you'll try calling that number I posted to you?
Tell us more about yourself, your kids, what you do. We're interested, and wnt to know.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 7:33:12
In reply to Re: Hello, and help » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 6:59:20
I can’t call that number I am hurting and I want help, but I have been there before it is something I cannot live with. I do not feel that I can talk to my friends, they do not really understand. I am to the point of not really being able to speak about anything; just the thoughts start me shacking and make me feel ill. About me, I miss my kids, it is so lonely without them, I have a son who is 11 and two daughters one 8 and the other 3. There a hand full but they are all that I have, I only get to see them once a month for 2 days. My ex will not let me have them more, I am afraid if I do not get this under control I will loose them all together. What am I interested in, I am like any other guy, I like movies, action of coarse, model trains and airplanes, but what I like the most is to dance, I used to love to dance, to feel the music in my heart and soul it was everything to me. I quit because my ex (not at that time) would not dance with me, I was a 7 time national ballroom champion. I can’t go back to that life it is past and I have no one to dance with anyway. That is enough for now. :(
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 7:50:25
In reply to Re: Hello, and help, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 7:33:12
A ballroom dancer! You'd have to drag me around the dance floor like a mannequin, toes scraping along.
So it's Sunday morning. What are you going to do today? I take it that this is not a weekend when you get to see your kids. That must be heart breaking. I know what it's like to not be able to tell people around what's going on. My family was the first place I had expected a sympathetic ear, and they were the least capable of offering it. That's a very isolating feeling. So I found this board, where there are so many people just like us.
You can read the boards here, see what interests you, jump in, start a new thread; whatever will keep you going.
When you're ready to call whatever number you choose, you'll have them in front of you.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 8:54:17
In reply to Well then, we can talk here., posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 7:50:25
Drag you around never, you would feel light as a feather, do you know what the mans job is on the dance floor? To make a woman look good. No I do not have my kids this weekend, nobody but me, the hardest part is when I have to walk by there empty rooms, I see their beds, toys clothes, I can’t even pick up after them, it crushes me. It is so deadly quite, it hurts! I am doing nothing but working, I am on call 24-7. I sit at home and I just wait for it all to end. My brother is on meds for depression, I never understood why, great job, great wife, happy family, nice home. He and I have spoke but I feel that my pain runs so much deeper than he can now. I was talking to my mother the other day about my kids. I feel it is like the loss of a child, every day for years I got my son and daughter up dressed them for school fed em, took them picked them up, now everyday just me. It is cold, like a death. My mother said that was not right they were not gone, I told her that it was as bad as losing an arm or leg, give me your left arm for a month you can have it back for 2 days a month, that is what it is like.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 9:18:26
In reply to Re: Well then, we can talk here., posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 8:54:17
Depression can be a fine family tradition. My sister, my oldest brother, my deceased dad, me. That's just who I'm aware of now. Whether the cause is biological or situational, the end result is the same. Pain. Loneliness. Desire for erasing the pain and loss. Your brother may not understand your pain (as my sister is puzzled by mine). It just shows how we can be so similar though individual in our pain.
Seeing the evidence of your pain in your kids' rooms and toys multiplies it many times. And yet, I bet you don't like to leave the house, right?
Do you take any medications at the moment besides self-medicate with alcohol?
Once I won a disco dance contest (hah! you know how old I am!) by letting my partber throw me all over the dance floor. It felt like I was an extension of his apendages.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 9:47:46
In reply to Depression and families » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 9:18:26
I hate to leave the house, I want to there are so many things I could do, I want to buy things see things go places, but I just sit, I try to fight back against drinking, it is hard at times, I have thought about taking up smoking again, but have been able to hold that back. Hey I at least don’t have my first drink until around 11am so that is worth something, I usually get up at 5. I am not on any meds, my brother told me to come to this site, and said who knows maybe there would be help. I know my father was depressed, he was very violent to us growing up, I have fought with that myself for a long time, it is something I do not pass on to my kids, I get angry and yell, but I do not hit them. You won a disco contest that is great stuff, I love to Hustle, and The Slide is one of my all time favorites. Now I am showing my age. I like any and all dancing; I was a 5 time state champ for country western. You are an extension of him, there is a Latin dance I truly enjoy called the Paso Doble, the man is the Matador and the woman is the cape. It is one of the most beautiful of dances to watch, and yes he throws her through the air.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 12:39:58
In reply to Re: Depression and families, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 9:47:46
Wow, the boards are verey quiet this weekend. Up until a week ago I couldn't go to the grocery store or a shopping mall without having a panic attack. I still get them but they are getting better. I actually spent the afternoon yesterday with a co-worker at a mall. I did have to take a xanax to do it, but it was a major accomplishment for me.
I know how safe a house is, even with all the reminders that surround you about your kids. If I'm having a pabic attack, it vanishes as soon as I shut the front door behind me. Drinking is self-medication as they say. It's a way (not a good one!) to escape pain and enter oblivion. Some people can't understand that that is preferrable to where we are, but it's legal, it's affordable, you don't have to make any excuses about it. I'm not rerally a good person to talk about drinking since I come from a fine family of alcoholics. Of course I'm one too, but I'm like George Thorogood and "I drink alone," Never in public.
So we all have our demons, our foibles, our faults. I'm glad your brother told you about this place. it's safe here.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 12:52:02
In reply to Re: Depression and families » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 12:39:58
Here I had this nice long bit of info for you about me and my system dumped and I lost it all. Oh well the jist is that my family are all alcoholics, I am the only one who is not. I am not afraid to go outside, I just do not want to, thier is nothing out there for me, just more being alone.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 12:57:52
In reply to Re: Depression and families, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 12:52:02
Cakins, you'll find that there are many many people here who talk a lot about being surrounded by people and feeling more alone than ever.
I had to get my depression and anxiety under control with medication before I was able to address the issue of self-worthiness that is really behind my isolation (who would want to be friends or hang out with a loser like me??). To go through a separation and divorce means more than losing your spouse. It's more than being kept from being able to see your children. It speaks to the very core of how you define WHO you are. You were part of a couple, part of a family unit. Now all of it is being morphed into something you don't recognize and aren't comfrotable with. I don't think I would trust someone who was "sailing through" such a difficult time.
I guess I'm saying - don't be so hard on yourself.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:10:35
In reply to isolation » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 12:57:52
It is just a little worse than that, I went from an abuse home life growing up to an abuse wife. It does not speak much about being a man, by saying I let her hurt me, but she would cut me scratch me she has even tried to kill me before, it was more mental than physical. She would tell me things like she never loved me as much as some other guy, and now she has even told my kids that, she says that he should have been their father not me. She said to me before that she wished I was dead or just die. I stayed for the family at the cost of what feels like my soul. And yes I do understand the loser part, I feel it every day, I fail at what ever I do what ever I touch. It is a downward sprial, just worse and worse and worse.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 13:17:23
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:10:35
A good friend of mine was abused by his wife right up until the separated and divorced. You are not the loser. You had the strength to try to make the marriage work, even though you were being torn down by words and emotions.
My ex-husband kind of did the entire spectrum of abuse. I felt trapped, I felt that I should be a good wife and support him in whatever his problems were. My mother, even, said "you know, it's good times and bad,". Well, I finally reminded myself that she married alcoholics not once but three times.
Your downward spiral stopped the minute you logged on here. You mustn't be afraid of asking for help. it shows strength, great strength. You have greater resilience than you know right now.
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:36:26
In reply to Re: isolation » cakins, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 13:17:23
I want the help, I just do not know where to go, like I said I cannot go to a hospital or clinic, I have been there and they tried to keep me, that is the worst feeling ever, the sounds the sights, I do not need to be there, but I do need help. I am afriad to just pick a doctor out of the phonebook, I do not know anyone or anwhere to turn, my brother is trying to get me in to see his doctor but it took him 4 months before he got in, and I am fighting for just another hour, I could not make it for 4 more months, he did refer me to a few doctors, but they are not taking anyone new, so here I sit waiting for the end to come and take me.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 13:42:21
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:36:26
iye yie yie. Please don't presume that you'll be stuck in a clinic. Take another look at that website I posted further up here. They specify - no clinics, no hospital. Are you afraid that, once in a clinic, forever in a clinic?
And clearly, you're in crisis NOW. If you had someone to help you get there, hold your hand and go in to the appointment with you, would you do it?
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:54:28
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 13:42:21
I do not know, I was picked up over a year ago for feeling this way, my ex had it done, she used that to try and take away my kids, nice huh? Anyway I spent time in the "non clinic" area solid steel doors no windows, people screaming in the night, others tied to chairs or beds. People drooling walking around in circles like zombies, it was death slow pain, it was something that really scares you, not like a bad movie worse. It stays with you forever, you cant forget. I do not want to go there again, for fear of the same thing, I would surely not survive that again.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 14:04:43
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 13:54:28
Oh I'm so sorry. I don't mean you to think that is going to happen.
I meant to say: would you be able to make a phone call for help or to make an appointment to see someone for help (before Labor Day, I mean!).?? All by yourself (THAT's what I meant! I'm so sorry, once more.) Open mouth, insert foot. Very flexible, am I.
pc
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 14:13:08
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 14:04:43
That could be a good trait for a women, foot in mouth (joke). No I have no one to call, and no where to go, I am just trying.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 14:23:25
In reply to Re: isolation, posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 14:13:08
You found this place.
Have you ever looked on line for advice or support on what you're going through?
Posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 15:19:34
In reply to Well then, you did good., posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 14:23:25
No this is my first attempt, and your the first person I have ever spoken to more than a few words about what I am feeling inside. Thank You
Posted by partlycloudy on July 12, 2004, at 7:12:31
In reply to Re: Well then, you did good., posted by cakins on July 11, 2004, at 15:19:34
How are you feeling today, Cakin?
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