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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on September 8, 2003, at 19:00:58
Hey all --
I went home over the weekend and was dismayed to discover that my younger sister's panic attacks have progressed to Agoraphobia with panic disorder. At the age of 26, she has moved away from her apartment with her boyfriend, job, and life a couple of hours away from our hometown and back in with our mom and dad because our hometown is now her only 'safe space.'
Her boyfriend is supportive, but hopes she gets well and moves home soon. I hope she does too, for the sake of their relationship.
I'm realizing that the agoraphobia may have been around for a while, but for some reason -- probably because her boyfriend was gone for several months due to work and she moved home at the time -- her 'safe space' shifted from her adult life to our hometown.
I am really dismayed, because I feel that my parents should not be allowing my sister to stay with them rent-free and not work. I feel that they're enabling her to continue in the illness, not face up to her phobias and doubts and overcome them. Plus, my mother can be an abusive, negative person, one of those discompassionate people who can make you feel that you're more disabled than you are if you even _admit_ to having any anxiety.
I'm also upset at my sister, because I feel like she should also be choosing to fight this. I know what it is to feel compelled to do something, having gone through a bout of OCD for 6 months a few years ago. I also know what it is to have panic attacks -- and I don't identify with them or try to avoid situations that could trigger them; I just ride them out. I wish that she could/would do the same.
I guess I'm afraid because we have an older aunt who's had similar habits, whose life has been narrowly limited by agoraphobia. I don't want to see my sister go through the same thing.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to 'help' my sister, though right now I feel that my anger/upset/emotional thoughts about the situation mean that I shouldn't talk with her about it, unless she wants to. I guess I just wished that she wanted to change, and she doesn't seem to want to -- she wants everyone else (boyfriend, family, etc.) to adapt to her illness, instead of overcoming it.
Posted by Tabitha on September 9, 2003, at 1:37:51
In reply to Sister has developed agoraphobia and moved home, posted by bookgurl99 on September 8, 2003, at 19:00:58
Hey Bookgurl-- I was wondering what happened to you. I hope you're doing OK.
I'd probably feel the same way about a sibling getting all that indulgence for her problem, especially if I'd taken a stronger approach with it myself. I hope you can find a way to talk to her about your fears about her future. It's probably best to stay away from lecturing her about how she *should* deal with her problem though, just to avoid creating defensiveness in her.
I know it breaks my heart when my sibling isn't doing well and I feel helpless. He's also sooo different from me, anything I could suggest would be useless to him. And vice versa. So there we are, caring for each other, but finding it very difficult to help, or even to respect each other's path in life. Sibling relationships are just hard, there's no getting around it.
Posted by Ted on September 9, 2003, at 10:55:25
In reply to Sister has developed agoraphobia and moved home, posted by bookgurl99 on September 8, 2003, at 19:00:58
I understand your concern. You see, my wife of 16+ years has major depression, serious (though not crippling) OCD, and mild agoraphobia / social phobia. She is now on ADs and they have helped her significantly.
Relating to agoraphobia and social phobia (which I group because they are in many cases so tightly coupled) I have found that the only way you can help your sister is when she WANTS to be helped. Nothing you can do on your own will help in any way. It took 12 years to get my wife to get help, and still she only accepts help half-heartedly.
What I think might be the best approach is to provide support, compassion, understanding, and make sure you will help her when she chooses to get help. By help, I mean making her appointments, taking her to the doctor, and even walking with her to the doctor's office. If it is OK with your sister and the doctor, you might even want to stay with her for the first appointment.
I know the fear of the first pdoc appointment. I am sure everyone here can also relate. All I can say is that your sister is lucky to have someone like you who cares and wants to help.
BTW: You can't change your parentts' attitude either. They may even feel responsible in some way. Their compensation is to let their "baby" come home so they can take care of her once again.
Ted
Posted by bookgurl99 on September 9, 2003, at 13:04:03
In reply to Re: Sister has developed agoraphobia and moved home » bookgurl99, posted by Ted on September 9, 2003, at 10:55:25
Ted --
thanks so much for sharing about your wife.
> What I think might be the best approach is to provide support, compassion, understanding, and make sure you will help her when she chooses to get help. By help, I mean making her appointments, taking her to the doctor, and even walking with her to the doctor's office.
Luckily, my sister _has_ already started to see a therapist and psychiatrist -- back where she was living. She also had an appointment with my internist when she lost hers (due to his moving), but my parents -- who were driving -- caved in to her fear of being on the highway and didn't bring her to the appointment. I'm hoping that she will try again. Nonetheless, she's starting on an SSRI soon.
I guess I just see the half-heartedness in these efforts and feel frustrated, both because I have 'slayed the dragon' already and because my family has had a hard time already. I just feel like, not this. Not her. It is so much easier for me to have these problems than it is to watch my sister go through them.
I think I will follow your suggestion to just be supportive and 'there' for her when she wants the help.
> BTW: You can't change your parentts' attitude either. They may even feel responsible in some way. Their compensation is to let their "baby" come home so they can take care of her once again.
I think maybe they do feel responsible, due to childhood events we experienced at home that _may_ have contributed to our anxiety levels. But, I've realized I haven't even told them how I feel about this, so I may try that tack out -- once I'm brave enough. ;)
Posted by NikkiT2 on September 9, 2003, at 14:05:58
In reply to Re: Sister has developed agoraphobia and moved home, posted by bookgurl99 on September 9, 2003, at 13:04:03
I'm sorry you feel this way, but having had problems yourself, can you not understand her at all??
I suffered from agoraphobia for 18 months.. well, that was 18 months I barely left home but it was building up way before that!
The fear that would build up inside me was so utterly utterly intense I simply could not function. If I tried to go outside I would invariably end up retching most of the time, and would honestly honestly believe people were staring at me and judging me, and if someone followed me I could sense the knife they were about to attack me with.
I would have done ANYTHING to have made my life easier during this time, and if moving home to your parents helps your sister, then let her do it, please. Its not always easy to see how to hellp yourself and pull yourself out of it.. sometimes it just too frightening to even be abvle to think rationally about how you could get better.
For me, I was lucky enough to get a CBT therapist.. for me CBT was the answer and it worked amazingly well on me. 12 weeks after starting I could go out without being ill, and the panic attacks at the mere thought of going out had virtually ceased. I carried it on for a year, and it has really been my life saviour. I'm not 100%, I doubt I ever will be, but I can now function and live a life.
Give your sister some slack.. I'm sure its not easy for her right now.
Nikki x
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